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Bank of Mattress

Where You Can Rest Easy On Your Money

In these troubled times of financial fickleness, it's nice to know there's a reliable concept in the finance business, an investment solution which has been relied upon by financially careful people for centuries. The Bank of Mattress offers investors security which they can sleep easy on, invulnerable to the risk-taking which most banks consider fair game as it's not their money they are gambling with.

The Bank of Mattress is open for business 24 hours a day, and your money can be checked whenever you like, just to make sure it's still there. Unlike most banks, there is no online banking or phone banking, and no risk of online hacking or phishing attacks or dodgy bank emails

Yes, when you invest in the Bank of Mattress, you can go to bed and rest assured that your money is near to you and as safe as you are.

Here are some of the many advantages offered by the flexible savings plans in the Bank of Mattress:

  • Instant Access
  • Competitive interest rate of 0.0% (non-variable)
  • No involvement in sub-prime lending, risky stock-exchange gambling, or lumping-together & selling-off of risks.
  • The account may hold a variety of different currencies: Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Gold, or any other negotiable worldwide currency *
    * (subject to it fitting inbetween the springs).
  • The Bank of Mattress is much comfier to sleep upon than normal banks *
    * (based on the typical archetypal bank having a typical bank roof with spiky pinnacles, ornamental gargoyles, and mobile phone masts)
  • Compatible with other bedroom items such as candles, chamber pots, hot water bottles, mugs of hot milky drink, etc.
  • No danger of going overdrawn, or other problems associated with frittering away money that you have not got.

Because the Bank of Mattress has savings for and on behalf of the individual investor, this means that even in times of financial crisis, you will not have to queue up with other people in the street outside the bank if you feel a panicky urge to get your money in a run-on-the-bank. With the Bank of Mattress, there is an approach to withdrawals that is entirely fuss-free, (though not dust-free).

Money-careful investors for centuries have trusted in the Bank of Mattress, and have often justifiedly congratulated themselves with a certain hands-rubbing-together gesture and smug grin, generated by a true sense of self-satisfaction at having squirrelled-away lots of cash.

Note: The Bank of Mattress is not authorised or regulated by the Financial Services Authority. Also note that when specifying your new bank account at the Bank of Mattress it is important to consider getting the right kind of bed and actual mattress, AND making sure your security is good enough. In most human-rights-aware countries it is legal for the individual to defend themselves and their cash while in their own bed. Plus, most would-be bank-robbers are deterred by the realistic possibility that they might be shot dead by the account holder.

To ensure preservation of savings even when making collateral changes to the bank hardware it's important to make sure. So, when a bed is decommissioned, it should be properly torn up and the parts recycled appropriately so nothing is overlooked. When I smashed and burned a bed in October 2010 I was made sure that no loose change remained in the wreckage. It was a 1964 Slumberland divan and it was surprisingly well made. It took a lot of doing to smash it. Even after all the iron springs and crosspieces had been extracted and put on the scrap heap, the wooden frame needed considerable work to be applied to break it. Surely a good recommendation for that bed manufacturer if they still make beds as good as that! It might be worth checking the BEDS to see if any modern beds look like they'll be able to be around in 46 years. Well Done to Slumberland!

Incidentally, Old three-piece suites also tend to have money in them.

Very few companies have the word "mattress" in the company name, but a few of them are... Mattress Online , Mattress 24 , Mattressman , Mattress Planet , Mattress Shed , and Internet Memory Mattress